As a writer it’s important that I understand what readers like. In my research I discovered that gay romance mostly the M/M type is extremely popular. The news that BDSM was also high on romance readers book lists was less surprising, largely due to a popular series that I won’t name here. Personally I had no issue with the books or movies since I was unfamiliar with the lifestyle at the time. I was however aware that others did have issues and after doing my research I now understand why.
I began writing a series of books that has BDSM and abuse at it’s core. I was attempting to illustrate the difference between kinky consensual fun and abuse. During this time I was talking to a friend about the story I was writing. The conversation moved to some of the aspects of the BDSM lifestyle that some still believe to be abhorrent. I thought about it for a minute and then I asked a simple question.
After all the years you’ve been married would you let your husband tie you up?
The answer came immediately. NO! This person is a very good friend and she knows more about me than anyone. I know her and her husband very well also. They love and support one another and they have a good marriage. They’ve been together for a very long time, both before they were married and after. I believe they will be together for a long time to come.
This one question however didn’t need any thought. We’re both open minded and we’re both capable of hearing a reasonable sound argument. Giving it enough thought to decide if we might possibly be missing something that could change our point of view. (Although we both do tend to dig in our heals when we believe we’re correct.)
My point I explained is that in this type of relationship trust is vital. To gain someone’s trust you must prove that you are a person of your word. You must prove that you will put the other person’s needs before your own in some cases. Mostly my point is that it is monumentally difficult to fully give yourself to another. Believe it or not you do this whether you are a Dominate or a Submissive.
Most of the “vanilla” couples I’ve known over the years ended up leaving one another largely because of a lack of trust. I admit that I was a sub for a while and I did enjoy the lifestyle but I never found the perfect Dom for me. I was never able to reach that point of complete trust. I have many theories on that but I won’t share them. Still I have to wonder. Who has this right and who has it wrong?
Both ways can work if everyone involved does their part. But in a BDSM relationship there are consequences for not doing your part. There is accountability and balance. There is respect and, believe it or not, it does go both ways. These are adults doing what they want to do in the privacy of their own homes or in a public dungeon where privacy is also safe guarded.
It seems to me that the best relationships are those that contain the trust, honesty, and safety that so many other relationships lack or lose somewhere along the way. After all who has the healthier relationship: the couple where one has enough trust to allow her/his partner to tie him/her up, gag her/him and then do wickedly fun things to him/her while totally helpless and then once released spend time talking and caressing one another. Or the relationship where there is an endless battle for supremacy and a lack of trust that probably can never be filled?
Everyone is different and everyone has something that turns them on more than anything else. But if you’re afraid to share that with your partner than you never get to have that fantasy fulfilled. Not everyone wants to be tied up, or be spanked or burned or choked or degraded. Just as everyone isn’t satisfied by a three minute romp in the missionary position and then left unsatisfied as their partner rolls over and falls asleep.
I’m not trying to sway anyone into or out of anything here. I’m just saying that as long as both parties agree to the activities taking place and both are old enough and sane enough to understand what it is that they are consenting too. And of course as long as there is a way that either party could end the activity with a single word at anytime. What’s wrong with what they’re doing?
Remember not every bell is rung by the same striker.